Friday, July 6, 2012

5,10,15,20

This artist is working in the healthcare industry at the moment, and he is liking it more and more.  The challenge for me was bringing myself to a space that is very straightforward, and coming out alright.  I am used to, over the past few years, either working in the theatre or being part of retail environments that encourage conversation.  This job in retail pharmacy instead requires me to count pills for prescription all day long, and to deal with a plethora of questions and requirements from and for patients.

Have I sometimes lost my cool?  Yes, admittedly.  Do I struggle to leave work and make myself productive?  Yes, I do.  After working on my feet for 8 or 9 hours, counting, calling, answering, figuring, the last thing I want to do is go home and practice or stretch or exercise or read or write.  I'd rather be entertained.

It's all made me acquainted with parts of myself I hadn't thought needed attention.  For one, I mean my patience, which has been tested.  But even more important is my interesting inability to accept having made a mistake.  I have too often caught myself at this job awkwardly trying to sway the responsibility of my mistake toward the situation as a whole, rather than my own naivety.  I think this is downright wrong, foolish.  To me, this comes off as too needy for acceptance, rather than opening up to the awkwardness of first steps, or trips during later steps.

I so often tout how hard I try to be "real."  I'm wondering if I should humble my language, and take more time to criticize myself.  Yes, I now recognize that critiquing of others (but certainly not all) is a way to downplay the follies we recognize in ourselves.

Being kinder isn't a specific goal.  Taking the time to listen, which equals patience, leads to kindness.  Additionally, not plundering myself into a safe routine by committing to new practices will help me grow in the meantime.