Monday, December 30, 2013


Do you know what was so freaking amazing about 2013? I think I can define it (to an extent). Several major changes I made of myself occurred:
  • I stopped immaturely victimizing myself.
  • I embraced what I crave artistically in the dorkiest, but most serious of manners.
  • I recognized that I am handsome.
  • I am a singer, and just because I have had my voice stifled by myself and others, does not negate that I am one now.
  • I have the technique and stamina to do 8 shows a week. And the next time, I'll do even better.
  • I learned that there is a difference between the words could and should. I could have been more spontaneous and carefree in college, but I wasn't. And that's okay, because I am now.
  • I accepted that I am not alone on the struggle bus of life.
  • I embrace that working hard is the greatest, most satisfying act. We can never know when life will end, thus the unwavering, wholehearted attempt at our goals is what counts most.
  • I have started to more fully consider how I can serve others with my voice and work.
  • I spent time in Europe with so many gay couples who are in functional, companion-based relationships that I felt these role models were dropping into my life for a reason.
THUS!!! What we are doing right now is more important than what we once did. Especially if we have recognized and grown from what we once did.

A few weeks ago, my grandfather and I were in the living room while he was trying to put on his socks. Never before had I quite paid attention to the fact that, since my childhood, this man who helped raise me has not been able to touch his feet without experiencing some tough pain. He has to pick up his legs and strain to place his feet on the other knees in order to slide his socks on. I said to him, "Papa, you are such a strong man. I wish I could be as strong as you." His response was, as always, assured, sympathetic. He may sometimes hesitate to speak, but only because he ensures (EVERY time) that he is saying the right thing. "Life's just hard. For everyone. That's what it's about. Working through all the hardness."

In that instant, every choice I'd made in Europe to cleanse my soul was worth it. It had brought me to a cathartic, vulnerable place. But it lingered, for I still could not bring myself to let it go. But Papa's words showed me how un-alone I am on this struggle bus of life. So many other people had helped along way, Papa just happened to say the IT sentence at the right time.

A List of What was AMAZING
  • Performing with my Showboat company, and feeling creatively supported by all of them at every moment, every performance.
  • The standing ovation at the end of our final performance on the Showboat.
  • The weekend at Laura's cabin. Swimming in a lake never felt so okay.
  • Southern California with my aunt, uncle, and cousins.
  • LA adventures.
  • Graduating from the University of Minnesota/Guthrie Theater BFA, and being able to actually feel closure with my class of 19 others.
  • Recognizing that not everyone has others' interests in mind.
  • Working with Rory, and learning by his amazing, driven example as an artist in Vienna.
  • Pizza with Marle and Martino, then missing the LAST U3!
  • My class at the Internationales Kulturinstitut.
  • Drinks with Joanna and the other David.
  • Rachael and Yvonne.
  • Seeing Yvonne at the train station on Halloween.
  • Joe and Steve.
  • Christian.
  • The date with the Hungarian.
  • Theatercouch
  • Breakfast with Sonja.
  • Kaesekrainer Hot Dogs in Vienna.
  • Afternoon with Kristin.
  • Michael Gruber voice lessons.
  • Cake with Ian.
  • The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time.
  • Pia Douwes in Concert.
  • That very long, party-filled night in New York City with Clare.
  • Talking smart things with an amazing dramaturg.
  • Having access to the Lincoln Center Library's video archives of Dance of the Vampires, and two Fiddler on the Roof productions.
  • Seeing Aeysha Kinnunen perform in a lead role at the Guthrie.
  • Kate Roeder.
  • My decision to move to NYC.
  • Working out with my dad.
  • Holding my mother's dogs.
  • Embracing anyone I love.
  • The feeling of tears rolling down my face when I see art that is so beautiful, I can't do anything else.
  • The feeling of tears rolling down my face when I say goodbye to an amazing experience, because those tears are celebrating the JOY that had been shared.