Saturday, January 16, 2016

2015 Reflection

I conquered some demons. I celebrated
with the Simpsons last week...
Folks- 2015 was a weird year. I lived in 3 places, in perfect-calendar-year-thirds. NYC, RI, and now MN. My life has changed so drastically since ushering at Cabaret and assisting Nick Demos​. I've felt hopelessly unemployed for nearly six months, had artistic fulfillment at OUT LOUD Theatre​ over the the summer, simultaneously worked TWO full time jobs at a hotel and the Guthrie Theater​, and then finally got hired in my first salaried managerial position. Life wise, I was able to overcome some INTENSE demons from my past, that have allowed some relationships in my family to blossom more wholesomely, and to uncover what I am truly looking for in a potential husband. I've even dropped the shame of being gay, and no longer use the euphemistic "dating a 'gent' or a 'fellow.'" I am dating a 'man'...That means something I can't verbalize, yet it's empowering to not apologetically speak the truth.

The scared, skinny boy who got his BFA in Acting is still there, but he's a lot stronger and more confident. I reconnected with people I thought I would never be able to speak to, again, and learned how to say, "I'm sorry." I also learned that it is okay to say, "I don't know." I'm also working at not assuming things any more, and not looking for validation from dates, jobs, graduate schools, et cetera. I'm embracing the fact that artistic life ebbs and flows. There is no rush to be in The Phantom of the Opera, for example. I'm trying to find stability and ways to save money, but that will come. Balance, balance, balance.

I still struggle with mental illness (OCD can grate me, and does make dating hard), and some days are very, very dark. But the sunshine I thought was ripped from me permanently in 2011 has found itself in my heart, again. As a result, those dark days with OCD are tempered with self-forgiveness and an ability to seek friends and activities that set me back on the path.

I won't be surprised the next time I have immense heartbreak or professional disappointment. I am sure it'll hurt just as much as last time. But I hope that the next time it happens I lose less hair (haha), I recover faster, and don't let the hurt deflect into self-pity. There is a great deal of worth in recognizing our humility. Humility is, truly, what makes us successful spiritually and emotionally. It is also what can save us from death, literally and figuratively.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Date Night Preparation

I was bubbling inside

Barbra Streisand and Ruthie Henshall tag teamed,
emanating from their souls the words I felt in my heart.

3 minutes on repeat for 90.

My hands, filled with oil and creams, slid across
my face,
my arms,
my chest,
my stomach...
All the places I felt pain and worry.
Inside and outside, the pain, the wear, the tear.
I could see it- I still see it.

I went over my lines,
critiquing my reflection.

I read about God, and Buddha, and mindfulness out loud-
I recalled the Globe stage
and my life's sage
beside me,
guiding my eyes and voice through each page.